„I choose my own destiny“.

railtrack-cat

That’s such a common phrase, I often just smile and go from hearing it in a distant conversation.

What the f…. k can you choose? You are buried down with your own thoughts, worries, everyday obligations that just need to be done.

No excuses for that.

No excuses for not going to work even if you feel  and think that you’d rather stay home.

You must stay alert and do your obligations as they come.

Every morning when I woke up, and barely pull out myself out of the bed, I sincerely ask myself, where did last ten years go? Flushed down the toilet, wasted and thrown away.

Wasted on and for the others.

I don’t even recognize myself in the mirror.

Hopeless face that has come to the final conclusion.

You don’t choose anything.

Everything else chooses you. And there’s

nothing, absolutely nothing you can do about it.

Of course, you can decide for yourself if you’re gonna wear that pair of shoes today or not… but that’s so irrelevant.

The big life choices and decisions, oh, you thought you made it yourself?! Do not be stupid!  You were probably influenced by people surrounding you, your community and way of life that is „prescribed“ to you.

We are just a mass of entities, like an ant farm, running around, unable to see the bigger picture. The more you run, the more you dig yourself into the everyday that happen’s everyday, the more you are detached from life and from yourself.

I am detached. It’s kinda floating feeling. Acting as a robot, doing stuff that needs to be done.

And real Me?  Cuddled somewhere deep inside waiting… not knowing what am I waiting for. But I do know one thing. There is no f… g way to get out of the line that just keeps leading you further and further. No stopping , just moving forward. Walking straight, you and the rest of the herd.

If you think that you are not the same kind and you’re somehow different, you are in a such mistake. As always.

Because the truth is not available to us, common people. We are just wanderers keeping what we need to keep, doing what we must do, and  NOT what we want to do.

Rebel, you may say, someone who will just push and overcome all of this.

Wanna be a rebellion? Just come on, play it. You will not last for a day. This game has rules. Obedience. If you fight against it, you’ll just vanish in the thin air.

I thought that this mind retrospective would be a positive one. But, I do realize now that it is not either positive or negative. It is just REAL.

Trigeminy.

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